Vincent Motorcycle Company Insignia

Tigger Alldus (R.I.P.) once wrote as follows:

Summink I adapted from a HOG ineptitude test... (& will prolly get me kicked outta the club.. Wahey! No longer the youngest British SO!!!)

Tongue FIRMLY in cheek,

Vincent-HRD Owners' Club

Membership Qualification Test

  1. The primary purpose of the VOC is to promote:
    1. Fellowship amongst owners of Vincent-HRD machines thru their sporting and social usage
    2. Chrome-plating flywheels and fabricating as many parts as possible in stainless steel..
    3. Effitist snobbery directed towards lesser marques and the poor buffoons that ride them...
    4. Brewery and Distillery profits, world-wide, wherever a Vincent-HRD is ridden, parked, then tripped over upon starting.

  2. You see a fellow Vincent owner riding the opposite way on the King's highway which you are on. Do you:
    1. Hold your arm off to the left and gesture with a proud salute
    2. Act too cool to notice and nonchallantly keep going at 120mph in 3rd.
    3. Turn around, chase him and beat him up for his stainless steel modifications and Shadow clocks
    4. Run after him frantically waving for help, since you've been stranded on the hard shoulder for over 5 hours

  3. When performing your pre-ride check, you notice a few drops of engine oil on the floor underneath your machine. You should:
    1. Immediately clean it up with a towel and some kitty-litter to avoid staining your front room floor-boards.
    2. Breath a sigh of relief that the engine still contains oil and optimistically depress the commencing lever.
    3. Dab your fingers on the stain and then on your face, achieving that cool "greasy mechanic" look that young chicks love, despite being an older, inept, but monied, owner of the sedentary persuasion.
    4. Pull the Vincent forwards so that the rear tyre sits on the oil stain and attempt a ferocious burnout.

  4. The most important piece of kit for a Vincent rider is:
    1. Pudding-basin helmet
    2. Mk8 goggles, or perhaps genuine WWII tank goggles in yellow anti-glare tint for desert usage
    3. MPH & Platinum visa card
    4. Pension book for discounts at pubs on Mon-Friday before 7pm...

  5. You see a row of Vincents lined up at a roadside drinking establishment. You choose to:
    1. Stop and greet old friends at a Riders' Rally
    2. Park for a moment, hammer down some shots of whiskey, and avoid a 4th straight drink-driving charge
    3. Attempt a lurid wheelie
    4. Wake up and remember that this is now 2001 and that you rarely see more than 1 Vincent out at any one time...

  6. A valve stem has broken off and effectively seized up the engine. After removing the head and thoroughly inspecting the situation, you:
    1. Head to your local-ish Vincent Guru and order genuine factory rep
    2. Decide to replace the valve stems and springs with stainless items so that obviously it works better
    3. Conclude that more end play in the cams could have prevented this tragedy and that you shoulda listened to Clever Trevor
    4. Try starting the engine so that the neighbours know that you're actually spannering your bike

  7. A Japanese-made cruiser pulls up in the lane next to yours at a traffic light. You:
    1. Nod diplomatically at your fellow motorcyclist, in spite of his patriotic failure in his duty to buy British.
    2. Grab a handful of throttle and race the engine, hoping to engage him in an exhaust volume contest
    3. Curse the #&*@-ing rice-burner and empty your pipe-bowl over him.
    4. Keep pushing when the light changes and your Vincent servo-clutch snags, stalling you...

  8. The guy down the road has a Comet that is faster on the strip than your hopped-up Rapide. You feel a need to level the playing field where the power to weight ratio is concerned. You decide to:
    1. Install NOS
    2. Remove the exhaust pipes and run straight headers, since more decibels equals more power
    3. Go on a diet
    4. Inform your 270 pound passenger she is no longer allowed to accompany you on the bike during runs at the dragstrip

  9. Cruising along at full throttle, you are casually overtaken and passed by a 15-year old on a Gilera or Vespa scooter. You:
    1. Stop at a payphone and dial 999 to notify the relevant authorities of a reckless driver
    2. Attempt to pass the scooter back by imitating his hunched over riding style, reducing aerodynamic drag and gaining another .5 mph top end speed
    3. Curse the #&*@-ing spag-muncher and choke on your cigarette in the process
    4. Shoot him

  10. The preferred method of cleaning a Vincent is:
    1. S-100 motorcycle wash or equivalent
    2. Simonize
    3. Gunk engine degreaser
    4. Mother nature


  11. You need new tires for your Vincent. You decide to go with:
    1. Avon Skid-Masters
    2. TT100s
    3. Cheng Shins
    4. Anything so long as it's in stainless steel
    5. Nothing, 'cos you can't get 20" rear tyres locally....