Tigger Alldus (R.I.P.) once wrote as follows:
Summink I adapted from a HOG ineptitude test...
(& will prolly get me kicked outta the club.. Wahey! No longer the
youngest British SO!!!)
Tongue FIRMLY in cheek,
Vincent-HRD Owners' Club
Membership Qualification Test
- The primary purpose of the VOC is to promote:
- Fellowship amongst owners of Vincent-HRD machines thru their sporting and social usage
- Chrome-plating flywheels and fabricating as many parts as possible in stainless steel..
- Effitist snobbery directed towards lesser marques and the poor buffoons that ride them...
- Brewery and Distillery profits, world-wide, wherever a Vincent-HRD is ridden, parked, then tripped over upon starting.
- You see a fellow Vincent owner riding the opposite way on the King's
highway which you are on. Do you:
- Hold your arm off to the left and gesture with a proud salute
- Act too cool to notice and nonchallantly keep going at 120mph in 3rd.
- Turn around, chase him and beat him up for his stainless steel
modifications and Shadow clocks
- Run after him frantically waving for help, since you've been
stranded on the hard shoulder for over 5 hours
- When performing your pre-ride check, you notice a few drops of
engine oil on the floor underneath your machine. You should:
- Immediately clean it up with a towel and some kitty-litter to
staining your front room floor-boards.
- Breath a sigh of relief that the engine still contains oil and
optimistically depress the commencing lever.
- Dab your fingers on the stain and then on your face, achieving
that cool "greasy mechanic" look that young chicks love, despite
being an older, inept, but monied, owner of the sedentary
- Pull the Vincent forwards so that the rear tyre sits on the oil
stain and attempt a ferocious burnout.
- The most important piece of kit for a Vincent rider is:
- Pudding-basin helmet
- Mk8 goggles, or perhaps genuine WWII tank goggles in yellow
anti-glare tint for desert usage
- MPH & Platinum visa card
- Pension book for discounts at pubs on Mon-Friday before 7pm...
- You see a row of Vincents lined up at a roadside drinking
establishment. You choose to:
- Stop and greet old friends at a Riders' Rally
- Park for a moment, hammer down some shots of whiskey, and avoid
a 4th straight drink-driving charge
- Attempt a lurid wheelie
- Wake up and remember that this is now 2001 and that you rarely
see more than 1 Vincent out at any one time...
- A valve stem has broken off and effectively seized up the
engine. After removing the head and thoroughly inspecting the
- Head to your local-ish Vincent Guru and order genuine factory rep
- Decide to replace the valve stems and springs with stainless
items so that obviously it works better
- Conclude that more end play in the cams could have prevented
this tragedy and that you shoulda listened to Clever Trevor
- Try starting the engine so that the neighbours know that you're
actually spannering your bike
- A Japanese-made cruiser pulls up in the lane next to yours at a traffic light. You:
- Nod diplomatically at your fellow motorcyclist, in spite of his
patriotic failure in his duty to buy British.
- Grab a handful of throttle and race the engine, hoping to
engage him in an exhaust volume contest
- Curse the #&*@-ing rice-burner and empty your pipe-bowl over
- Keep pushing when the light changes and your Vincent
servo-clutch snags, stalling you...
- The guy down the road has a Comet that is faster on the strip
than your hopped-up Rapide. You feel a need to level the
playing field where the power to weight ratio is concerned. You
- Install NOS
- Remove the exhaust pipes and run straight headers, since more
decibels equals more power
- Go on a diet
- Inform your 270 pound passenger she is no longer allowed to
accompany you on the bike during runs at the dragstrip
- Cruising along at full throttle, you are casually overtaken and
passed by a 15-year old on a Gilera or Vespa scooter. You:
- Stop at a payphone and dial 999 to notify the relevant
authorities of a reckless driver
- Attempt to pass the scooter back by imitating his hunched over
riding style, reducing aerodynamic drag and gaining another .5 mph
top end speed
- Curse the #&*@-ing spag-muncher and choke on your cigarette in
- Shoot him
- The preferred method of cleaning a Vincent is:
- S-100 motorcycle wash or equivalent
- Gunk engine degreaser
- Mother nature
- You need new tires for your Vincent. You decide to go with:
- Avon Skid-Masters
- Cheng Shins
- Anything so long as it's in stainless steel
- Nothing, 'cos you can't get 20" rear tyres locally....
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